Another "standing room only" crowd cheers on the Pacers.
This would seem to be the perfect opportunity for the NBA to make a move against its rival sports leagues. MLB is embroiled in a steroid scandal and only a handful of big-market teams can realistically compete for the World Series every year (the Cubs excluded, obviously). Golf’s biggest star is currently undergoing in-patient sex therapy, whatever that entails. The NHL is barely televised. And a concussion issue is slowly catching up with the NFL. Meanwhile, the NBA features a new generation of dynamic players (CP3, Lebron, Durant, D-Wade, Josh Howard, etc.)…yet ticket sales are falling off a cliff. The lowly Pacers have tried to bribe fans with discounted ticket prices, bobble heads, free hot dogs, H1N1 vaccines…nothing works. Why is the NBA so unpopular? Is it because the April to June playoff schedule drags on for an eternity? Because fantasy basketball is too much like actual work? Bad will left over from the Donaghy/Bavetta refereeing scandal? Finally, does Dallas feature enough strippers to accommodate the upcoming NBA all-star game? Do we have sufficient reserves of cannabis, dancing poles, skanks and cognac that can be air-lifted in if necessary?
Later today is the league’s all-star game. It’s a great day for basketball afficianados who appreciate no-look passes thrown out of bounds, half-hearted defense and jacked-up threes. And anytime you can host a “Celebrity” All-star game healined by B-lister Michael Rapaport and a 3 point contest missing 5 of the league’s top 6 three point shooters, it’s a win for the fans. I have a couple (trademarked) suggestions to fix this unwatchable mess. First, allow the top two vote-recipients to pick their own teams. Wouldn’t it be fun watching Kobe and Lebron select their teammates? Can’t you see certain players getting pissed after getting passed over? Also, the game should be played in Las Vegas (outdoors) with the players and their entourages allowed to wager on the outcome. We could even put the winning $ in a big suitcase (handcuffed) to Commissioner Stern courtside to heighten the drama. Lastly, instead of a sloppy, no-one-cares 5 on 5 game, what if we broke it up into a 3-on-3 tournament? In the traditional 5-on-5 format we usually have 3 guys just standing around anyway, so this would speed up the action. Again, we could have the drama of players choosing their teams. And everyone loves tournament formats. So basically my ideas boil down to encouraging the players to care about the all-star game by appealing to their egos and coin purses.
Last but not least, it may surprise some of my newer readers to hear that I’ve never been nominated for a Pulitzer prize or Peabody award. But that will all change after my upcoming exclusive interview with Indy’s resident basketball expert, Tom Hammer. We will discuss the state of the NBA, how the league can improve its viewership, and whether the Pacers’ cheerleaders got fired from Hooters for dealing meth or carrying boxcutters to work. Over the course of several days I will publish a transcript of this hard-hitting Q & A. Stay tuned…
Tags: all-star game, Assholes, basketball, nba, stern, tom hammer
February 14, 2010 at 5:59 am |
I just appreciate the opportunity to wax nostalgic and talk about the good ol’ days of the NBA when the shooting %’s were higher then the players and the shorts tighter then the cheerleaders and groupies.
In the event my email server crashes, Bill Walton and I will send smoke signals from the tee-pee in his back yard. Look forward to the friendly banter and as Patrick “Buck” Ewing once said and I quote, “She fondled my junk, I got aroused and she performed oral sex. Then I left.”