La Cosa Nostra, Inc.

May 11, 2011

So in a couple of months we have to transition to a new health insurance plan. To continue the plan that we used while my wife was a hospital employee will now cost (drum roll)…$2,400.00 per month. That’s for two adults (in their 30s) and two kids with zero pre-existing conditions (that we’ve disclosed). Thus, the next time my 3 y/o swallows an ashtray full of loose change it will be cheaper to fly to Zurich to get things checked out. And when you’re checking Expedia for flights to Toronto to get hemorrhoid surgery calf implants, it’s time to admit health insurance in this country is a total f—— disgrace (I left that profanity bleeped out just in case there’s a dirtier word than f-u-c-k). With their lavish government subsidies, bribes to public officials, exemptions from antitrust laws and goonish, ruthless business practices, health insurers are like a corporate crime family. Read this and try to find a distinction between health insurers and how the mafia monopolizes trash collection: except of course, about the part about the tens of thousands of deaths caused by inaccess to health care. Everyone rags on the post office, but I’d rather spend an entire day haggling over shipping rates than an hour on the phone (on hold) waiting for some goon with zero authority to do anything collects my personal information (for the 3rd time) to tell me a procedure isn’t medically necessary. And for the lucky few who can afford an exclusion-riddled policy, there are ancillary costs: having to postpone treatments to meet deductibles; fearing a job transfer will result in loss of coverage; having to marry a 90 year-old publishing tycoon for regular checkups, etc.

Anyway, I thought the narrative from Fox News last summer was that Obama was going to raise taxes on wealthy, white people to give government-subsidized health care to the bottom classes? I guess Obama will get to that after he takes all the white folks’ guns away. Although my disgust is tempered by the sight of Romney claiming that his nearly identical health plan while governing liberal old Massachusetts was a regrettable oversight caused by Stockholm Syndrome (which, ironically, would not be covered under his current proposal). Although when lampooning Romney, it’s tough to top The Onion (here and here).

So our health insurance system is a total freakin’ racket run by a cartel of bloodthirsty megacorporations, enabled by the usual array of spineless, corrupt Democrats and even greedier Republicans bent on destroying the middle class. So can we at least start giving these crime syndicates masquerading as honest businesses the treatment they deserve? Toward that end, someone more popular (and attractive) than me should start a grass-roots campaign to heckle these SOBs whenever they appear in public. Picket their offices and flood their mailboxes with protest letters. Health insurance executives should be greeted with the respect we bestow racketeers who coordinate logistics for teen prostitution rings. So until this charismatic, attractive leader who pays to have his/her haircut comes along, please join me in attaching profanities/obscene pictures to all correspondence to health insurers. You may feel awkward the first time you do the splits (naked) on a copier at Kinkos, but remember, this is our generation’s Vietnam Hands Across America. Now let’s get out there and make a difference!

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Guns! Rapture! Live Bait!

May 10, 2011

If only the Founding Fathers were around to see the fruition of their dreams...

1. The demise of Western civilization will eventually be traced to this commercial. If one were to design the world’s creepiest bastard from scratch, a la Weird Science, the finished product would look pretty much exactly like the seersucker-suited, beady-eyed, dwarf with the maniacal laughter and Boss Hog haircut in the commercial. But it’s not all fun and games, as Indy recently gained a bit of notoriety because Don’s Guns was identified as one of the top 5 suppliers nationally of guns used in crimes. [suck it Cincinnati!]  And in a karmic twist, sometimes people don’t even wait to leave Don’s Guns before shooting themselves. Anyway, if the commercial and charts of violence aren’t sufficiently depressing, note that Don’s Guns is sandwiched between not one, but two (!) check-cashing joints, Babe’s Show Lounge, Randy’s Tobacco Shop, a Taco Bell, a tattoo parlor and an Eyeglass Shop (?). So conceivably, without having to cross the street I could get a payday loan, buy a pack of Kent’s, procure a lapdance, eat a chalupa, get a tattoo of the stripper, renew my contact prescription, rent a musket and buy a bucket of night crawlers. [I think we can cancel the search for Indy's next tourism video!]

2. But before you go on a gun-buying spree, keep in mind that according to some of the world’s most-respected theologians, the world’s going to end on May 21st…of this year. Some of you un-rapture-ready sweat hogs may have noticed the sudden appearance of billboards and posters hailing the arrival of Judgment Day. There have of course been many such proclamations in the past, so how can we be sure May 21st is the real deal? Well a new wave of zealots have pored over the bible, “crunched the numbers” and decoded the necessary clues. It’s actually quite sad, as scores of apparently well-intentioned people have quit their jobs, left their families and hit the streets to spread the message. And the author of the article helpfully notes that, of the two men profiled, one is single and the other is having marital problems. [No way! You mean a guy who spends all day carrying a sign about Doomsday is not a hit with the ladies?!]

Anyway, my question is this: if you truly believed the end of the world was approaching, how would you act? I see two routes. The first, obviously, is trying to make amends with family and friends and burnishing your religious credentials. The other involves chasing dozens of donuts with a bottle of champagne and roller-blading naked through town while throwing flaming bags of your own stool at people in Tapout gear. Which side would you be on? Please discuss in comments.

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America, f— yeah!

May 4, 2011

So I haven’t been online in over a week, did I miss anything? Anything of note take place in the political/entertainment/sports world? Oh, I almost forgot…please join me in congratulating pop diva Mariah Carey on the birth of her twins! Hooray for babies and stuff! Okay, now on to the rest of the action:

1. Count me among those perplexed by the media’s reaction to the death of Bin Laden. What are we really celebrating: justice; patriotism; security? What truly saddens me is to try and think back to pre-9/11 and comprehend what has changed in the world. Imagine someone telling you in August of 2001: “hey, you know that piece-of-shit movie The Fast and The Furious? Yeah, the steaming pile of turds starring Vin Diesel? Well they’re gonna make like five more of ‘em.” [Okay, I realize that has nothing to do with OBL but it still upsets me] What if this sage time traveler went on to say: “guess what, we’re gonna invade Iraq again but this time stay there for like 10 years.” I assume your response would be: “wait, did you say five sequels?!” But try and think back to those heady pre-9/11 days. There wasn’t even a debate on whether the US should torture suspects (well, unless you count the dictatorships we prop up throughout the globe. Terms like “rendition” and “indefinite detention” were just sick fantasies in neoconservative think tanks. There was no Department of Homeland Security with its billions of dollars spent molesting people in airports. There was no discussion of wiretapping and domestic surveillance. And Bush was arguing that we needed to spend our budget surplus on tax cuts for the wealthy to boost the economy (wait, stop laughing). Nations have always had to deal with acts of domestic and international terror, but it’s hard to imagine America taking a worse course of action after 9/11.

Are we safer now that Bin Laden’s gone? I doubt it since Al Qaeda hardly depended on any single individual. But recall the reasons Bin Laden gave to ostensibly justify the terrorist attacks: occupying Arab lands, propping up dictators to secure cheap oil, and enabling the oppression of Palestinians. I’m of course not saying Al Qaeda was justified in attacking us, but if anything haven’t we done more to turn Arab opinion against us since 9/11? We’ve killed tens of thousands of civilians in Iraq and Afghanistan while our drones continue to rain death in Libya, Somalia and Pakistan. Our actions have probably created generations of orphans and widows who will swear vengeance against the West. And of course Bin Laden was found in Pakistan. Politically unstable, impoverished, nuclear Pakistan, whose population does not appreciate our covert ops and the resultant civilian casualties (silly savages!). But other than that, our efforts to “win hearts and minds” has been a smashing success!

Finally, I’ve rarely seen it mentioned that we are largely responsible for the rise of the Mujihadeen in Afghanistan. Back in the 80s, we loved arming those bearded freedom fighters mercenaries to fight the Soviets (using Saudi money). But the US has a pretty shitty record when it comes to meddling in international affairs. So once again we had to execute the asset we originally installed. See also Ngo Dinh Diem; Shah of Iran; Saddam Hussein; Salvador Allende, etc. You’d think through sheer statistical odds we’d get lucky once, but alas, Uncle Sam is the Isiah Thomas of managing puppet regimes.

Finally, the celebration of Bin Laden’s death by cheering throngs of White House visitors and breathless media stenographers struck me as a bit vulgar. Are we so different than the supposedly barbaric Arab citizens who celebrate the deaths of American soldiers? Bin Laden’s death won’t bring back the victims of 9/11. It doesn’t justify the considerable erosion of our civil liberties. It doesn’t vindicate the untold casualties, torture and incarceration suffered by thousands of innocent people. And it certainly won’t expedite the end of our crusades throughout the Middle East. But if his death allows some IROC-cruising morons (Phillies fans) an excuse to honk their horns and wave flags around, who am I to judge?

2. Perhaps only lapsed, reluctant Catholics like me will find this funny. I was having a discussion with my wife last week about why we remain Catholic. Her justification: although we disagree with a lot of the church’s positions (gays, women in the church, contraceptions, etc.), there’s still quite a bit of meaningful doctrine we can take away. My counter: I think the whole thing is retarded. Anyway, I think choosing a religion is a lot like choosing a movie. But in the case of religion you only get to make one choice, and if a sexier version comes out later or your selection becomes embarrassing in hindsight, you’re shit-out-of-luck. In that regard, being Catholic is a lot like renting Rosemary’s Baby. Sure, there are some parts you have to fast forward, and it would behoove you to ignore the director’s sexual improprieties, but other than that it’s a good, albeit dated, film. To continue the analogy, Judaism = The Deer Hunter (old, confusing, seemingly premised on shame); Scientology = Mulholland Drive (kind of weird and scary); Mormonism = Children of the Corn (obvious); and Baptists = (tie) Gone With the Wind/Health Inspector.

3. So apparently over 50% of supermarket meat is contaminated with drug-resistant bacteria. [Wait, do they mean it's down to 50 or up to 50? Am I supposed to be excited or depressed?] Which made me think, just what would they allow in meat before people would stop hoovering it down? Bits of broken glass?  [I guess that would depend on the size of the shards] Human fingers? [Again, that would probably depend on whether it was a thumb or pinky, sourced from a midget or sasquatch] My theory is that there is literally nothing they couldn’t put in meat to get us to stop eating it. My supermarket could feature roasts with giant mushrooms and barnacles growing off the sides and no one would notice. Anyway, I’d like to commend the good folks at the USDA for doing a fine job. Why don’t you guys take the rest of the day off and go roller-skating!

4. I’d like to end today’s post on a classy note. Toward that end, I’d like to discuss swinger parties. Specifically, I’m fascinated by how they commence. Now, I find the concept disgusting since I can barely stand the sight of strangers eating salads, much less the idea of neighbors entangled in a big, oily sexual jigsaw puzzle. But how does one bring the idea up? When hosting dinner parties, I’m usually too meek to even suggest a movie or Pictionary. Does the host just slyly start bringing props out, and all of a sudden guests notice a bunch of robes and peacock feathers sitting around and instincts kick in? Is there some sort of code, like going wearing sandals and a mustache, that signals “oh yeah, this guy’s into the scene”? Anyway, I’m fascinated by the whole concept. Please discuss in comments:

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Kandahar Redemption

April 25, 2011

Another Afghan success story!

[UPDATED] 

1. It’s hard to rank what is most frightening/unintentionally hilarious about the story of 500 inmates breaking out of a Kandahar prison through a 1k foot tunnel just in time for “fighting season”. Perhaps it’s the revelation that we’re occupying a 3rd world country with a fighting season.  Not just a few days or a weekend, but an entire goddamned season dedicated to fighting?! It’s genuinely tough to imagine a worse place to get bogged down in a military quagmire. It’s like Vietnam with more beards and caves. And how shitty of a warden do you have to be to not notice the excavation necessary to bust out 500 dudes through a 1000 foot tunnel? [insert Shawshank Redemption joke here] Or imagine if you just happened to be traveling through the area, perhaps on a bike with one of your friends who’s all into cameras and stuff, and all of a sudden 500 bearded dudes popped out of the ground and sprinted past you. Would that not be just about the scariest goddamned thing in the history of the world?!

2. Oh, I guess I should have started out by apologizing for the delay in posts. Last week the computer had to go into the shop because my son pounded on the cursor while I was in the bathroom of a design flaw that was covered under a manufacturer’s warranty. And I must say that Apple stores rank amongst Starbucks, IKEAs and church for having the highest ratio of people I want to jump-kick in the face. First of all, it’s just infuriating when the goddamned computer breaks in the first place. Then having to deal with mall traffic and the impossibly always crowded Apple store only to have a wool cap-wearing doucheburglar petulantly ask “did you make an appointment with a genius?” I mean, you actually have to call them geniuses?! The next time I join the workforce, I’m going to require my secretary to ask visitors “did you make an appointment with a Ninja Robot Sex Machine 2000″? And while I was milling around the joint waiting for a genius, I noticed some of the iPhone skins they had for sale covered with Juicy Couture, Kate Spade, Prada and other design logos. It’s hard to imagine a more cost-effective way to announce to the world: “hey, I’m an insecure douchebag!”*

*Well, as opposed to taking a bunch of cheap shots at strangers on a blog.

3. This past weekend was Ohio State’s Spring game, and only Buckeye fans will appreciate the Groundhog’s Day nature of the coverage, but the word out of Columbus is that the much-maligned offensive line believes this will be their year! And tight end Darnell Sanders Ben Hartsock Ryan Hamby Brandon Smith Marcel Frost Rory Nicol Nick DiLillo Jake Ballard Reid Fragel Jake Stoneburner believes he will be a key component in this year’s offense! You hear that America?! No more Tressel staring at the 4 plays on his sheet like a migrant worker trying to decipher a Denny’s menu; no more predictable dive plays followed by naked play-action passes; no more unintentional QB scrambles because the line can’t pass block a mannequin. OSU just sent a big Evite to the rest of the B10 saying “click accept…and we’re gonna be all up in your business this year”. [Well, assuming Tressel doesn't face additional sanctions given his Nixonian handling of the Tattoo incident]

4. On a lighter note, check out the international firestorm regarding the release of hundreds of classified documents about Guantanamo Bay. Or just peruse the headlines: Innocent People Interrogated for Years on the Slimmest Pretexts [i.e., we rounded up innocent people for absolutely no good reason and literally tortured the shit out of them for years]; Children, Elderly and Mentally Ill Among Those Wrongfully Held [and remember, we detain/torture them in secret, in violation of domestic and international law]; 172 Inmates Remain, Some Without Hope of Trial or Release. Still, some of the details are worth repeating:

The US military dossiers, obtained by the New York Times and the Guardian, reveal how, alongside the so-called “worst of the worst”, many prisoners were flown to the Guantánamo cages and held captive for years on the flimsiest grounds, or on the basis of lurid confessions extracted by maltreatment.

The files depict a system often focused less on containing dangerous terrorists or enemy fighters, than on extracting intelligence. Among inmates who proved harmless were an 89-year-old Afghan villager, suffering from senile dementia, and a 14-year-old boy who had been an innocent kidnap victim.

The old man was transported to Cuba to interrogate him about “suspicious phone numbers” found in his compound. The 14-year-old was shipped out merely because of “his possible knowledge of Taliban…local leaders”

• Almost 100 of the inmates who passed through Guantánamo are listed by their captors as having had depressive or psychotic illnesses. Many went on hunger strike or attempted suicide.

• A number of British nationals and residents were held for years even though US authorities knew they were not Taliban or al-Qaida members. One Briton, Jamal al-Harith, was rendered to Guantánamo simply because he had been held in a Taliban prison and was thought to have knowledge of their interrogation techniques. The US military tried to hang on to another Briton, Binyam Mohamed, even after charges had been dropped and evidence emerged he had been tortured.

• US authorities relied heavily on information obtained from a small number of detainees under torture. They continued to maintain this testimony was reliable even after admitting that the prisoners who provided it had been mistreated.

The leaked files include guidance for US interrogators on how to decide whether to hold or release detainees, and how to spot al-Qaida cover stories. One warns interrogators: “Travel to Afghanistan for any reason after the terrorist attacks of 11 September 2001 is likely a total fabrication with the true intentions being to support Usama Bin Laden through direct hostilities against the US forces.”

Another 17-page file, titled “GTMO matrix of threat indicators for enemy combatants”, advises interrogators to look out for signs of terrorist activity ranging from links to a number of mosques around the world, including two in London, to ownership of a particular model of Casio watch..

The range of those still held captive includes detainees who have been admittedly tortured so badly they can never be successfully tried, informers who must be protected from reprisals, and a group of Chinese Muslims from the Uighur minority who have nowhere to go.

One of those officially admitted to have been so maltreated that it amounted to torture is prisoner No 63, Maad al-Qahtani. He was captured more than nine years ago, fleeing from the site of Osama bin Laden’s last stand in the mountain caves of Tora Bora in 2001. The report says Qahtani, allegedly one of the “Dirty 30″ who were Bin Laden’s bodyguards, must not be released: “HIGH risk, as he is likely to pose a threat to the US, its interests and allies.” The report’s military authors admit his admissions were obtained by what they call “harsh interrogation techniques in the early stages of detention”. But otherwise the files make little mention of the widely-condemned techniques that were employed to obtain “intelligence” and “confessions” from detainees such as waterboarding, sleep deprivation and prolonged exposure to cold and loud music.

The files also detail how many innocents or marginal figures swept up by the Guantánamo dragnet because US forces thought they might be of some intelligence value.

One man was transferred to the facility “because he was a mullah, who led prayers at Manu mosque in Kandahar province, Afghanistan … which placed him in a position to have special knowledge of the Taliban”. US authorities eventually released him after more than a year’s captivity, deciding he had no intelligence value.

Another prisoner was shipped to the base “because of his general knowledge of activities in the areas of Khowst and Kabul based as a result of his frequent travels through the region as a taxi driver“.

The files also reveal that an al-Jazeera journalist was held at Guantánamo for six years, partly in order to be interrogated about the Arabic news network.

His dossier states that one of the reasons was “to provide information on … the al-Jazeera news network’s training programme, telecommunications equipment, and newsgathering operations in Chechnya, Kosovo and Afghanistan, including the network’s acquisition of a video of UBL [Osama bin Laden] and a subsequent interview with UBL”.

A Pentagon spokesperson said: “Naturally we would prefer that no legitimately classified information be released into the public domain, as by definition it can be expected to cause damage to US national security. The situation with the Guantánamo detention facility is exceptionally complex and releasing any records will further complicate ongoing actions.”

I readily cop to occasionally getting on a moral high horse on this blog, and daily life is often complicated and depressing enough without heeding international news, but these files are worthy of the proverbial national debate. Torture and indefinite detention are actions we used to only associate with Gulags and concentration camps and Cambodian collective farms. It’s also worth noting that a lot of this would still be classified if not for the likes of Wikileaks. Guantanamo is a bipartisan tragedy that would operate in total secrecy if not for a few, brave media outlets. And aside from the horrifying legal and moral implications of Guantanamo (and our other secret prisons, e.g., Bagram), what practical purpose does it serve? How does whatever info we extract via torture outweigh the undying enmity our actions generate throughout the world?

Anyway, I like to think that I’m not naive. I acknowledge that we have to make a lot of moral calculations to eat meat, drive cars, etc., but it just depresses the hell out of me that we’re essentially running a modern-day gulag and voting R or D next November won’t change a damned thing.

5. At least the Blackhawks won last night. I can’t say enough good things about playoff hockey, especially when games go to OT. It passes the old test of “am I so riveted that I would consider peeing a little bit on a paper towel to avoid getting up and going to the bathroom?” And the answer is a resounding yes. After watching the ‘Hawks last night, I may have to call the Barclays English Pre-mier League and announce we’re just friends. I’m fickle…but honest.

6. Lastly, we’ve been kind-of-sort-of thinking about moving lately, which entails concealing the defects in our house and forging a credit report. Anyway, one of the houses we looked at backs up to a horse stable…and the seller’s acted like this was a really super awesome feature. In all seriousness, can anyone tell me the appeal of owning horses? The constant grooming, bathing, feeding buckets of hay, swatting away insects, making sure they don’t wander into the street, shoveling up pile of stool…I mean, sure you can ride ‘em around once in a while, but how’s it really any different than having a 3k pound retarded guy living in your garage? Please discuss in comments…

[UPDATE]

This video of Max Keiser interviewing Taibbi is priceless.

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American Ju$tice

April 14, 2011

Some headlines juxtaposed on the Huffington Post perfectly encapsulate American justice. First, we learn that old nefarious scoundrel Barry Bonds was convicted of obstructing justice…regarding his alleged definite use of PEDs while playing baseball. You remember the national steroid crisis, right? Back in the 90s when Bonds and his giant head were blasting all those home runs…and every time he juiced up bald eagles fell out of the sky and people lost their jobs and George Will cried? Well Congress finally sent a message to all those washed-up, retirees from America’s 3rd most popular sport: we’ve got our eye on you! Anyway, I doubt even Roger Maris’s corpse cares about Bonds and HRs and PEDs at this point, but this is America and lawbreakers must pay for their crimes without exception! Oh wait…

The Senate issued a report accusing Goldman Sachs of “misleading clients and manipulating markets, while also condemning greed, weak regulation, conflicts of interest throughout the financial system and enabling all those shitty Fast & Furious movies. [Okay, I made up one of those] You remember our friends at Goldman, recipients of tens of $Billions in bailout funds. And the revolving door of Goldman execs who sit at various fed agencies. Only a deranged conspiracy theorist would presume a conflict of interest:

“Blame for this mess lies everywhere — from federal regulators who cast a blind eye, Wall Street bankers who let greed run wild, and members of Congress who failed to provide oversight,” said Coburn, the subcommittee’s top Republican. It shows without a doubt the lack of ethics in some of our financial institutions who embraced known conflicts of interest to accomplish wealth for themselves, not caring about the outcome for their customers,” he said.

Are you feeling good about whatever you’ve got squirreled away into 401ks? I like to imagine my future losses as a pile of coke (not a big pile, I’ve been unemployed for a while) being snorted off a hooker in international waters. It makes me feel edgy and glamorous. Anyway, see if you can follow this logic:

More than two years since the crisis peaked, denunciations of Wall Street misconduct are less often heard on Capitol Hill, with lawmakers focused on fiscal issues.

Got that? The financial market is plagued with weak regulations, weak regulators, conflicts of interest and fraud perpetrated by the largest investment banks. But Congress is busy focusing on (totally unrelated) fiscal issues. And whatever Barry Bonds may have injected into his ass 10 years ago. But don’t despair, ye! After we get done with Bonds maybe we can exhume Gary Coleman’s corpse to see if that charlatan was really only 8 while on Different Strokes! And isn’t it time we learned whether Ivan Drago took a dive during the Rocky fight? Call your representatives right now and let’s get some answers!

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Good Intentions…

April 13, 2011

Ever sit down and wonder why bad things happen to good people? Why trying your best sometimes just isn’t good enough? Well I had that feeling last night while trying to endure the filmpocalypse Money Train, which I TiVod because I overheard some guy at a gas station say there was a nude scene with Jennifer Lopez. But after 40 minutes I gave up. I just couldn’t take it. I mean, the movie was a train wreck steaming pile of turds and what if I made it to this alleged scene and Woody Harrelson or Wesley Snipes were also naked?! Or, gasp: both?! So I cut my losses and went to bed feeling like a disgusting failure.

Anyway, this is a roundabout way of asking if you’ve ever thought about the big picture stuff: life, death, afterlife, and felt completely overwhelmed with anxiety and confusion. I mean, have you ever really tried to imagine what happens when you die? Assuming something like heaven exists, can you see what’s happening on earth? And if so, do you have to stand there powerless while your friends and family bumble around? I guess I just wonder why none of my dead relatives ever steer my arm when I’m placing a bet at the roulette wheel, or about to select a dish of schrimp scampi at Pondersosa that’s stuffed with e coli.

This is not just hypothetical handwringing. Yesterday I almost accidentally committed a second sex crime in LA Fitness within an 18 month span. I was feeling a bit fatigued from the usual allergies/toddlers/cold triumverate, and as I walked onto the pool deck wrapped in a towel I suddenly realized that I was holding my swimsuit. Apparently my autopilot just decided it would be a smashing idea to get dressed in front of the other lap swimmers and whoever else was in the parking lot. I even went so far as to hang my bathing suit on the towel rack before realizing: huh, where are everyone else’s bathing suits? I was one step removed from joining Lawrence Taylor on the old perv registry.

The first time I almost committed a sex crime at LA Fitness was also an innocent, albeit inexcusable, mistake. It was my first day at the gym and I had been swimming for about 50 minutes, trying to get ready for my first triathlon. As people who suck in the water can attest, the hardest thing about trying to swim long distances is keeping your breath. I nearly fainted trying to get to 2000 yards. So I stumbled into the locker room, turned on the shower and really gave myself a good steam since I was exhausted. But as I walked out, drying my hair as I proceeded toward the lockers, I looked over and a 20-something girl was staring at me as she walked by. Stunned, I waited for a moment to see if she’d come back and apologize. A moment later I proceeded to a bench to finish drying off, but I couldn’t find my locker. Suddenly, I realized the room was inversely arranged from when I walked in. And that’s when a second woman walked by (although fortunately she didn’t notice me). Panicking, I ran back out and then into the men’s room. But I was paralyzed with dread: should I just dash out and never return or wait for the (unintentionally flashed) girl in the parking lot and apologize? Would seeing me in the parking lot somehow make it worse? Needless to say, I dashed out and didn’t return for almost 6 months. Once again proving the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

I’ll have some stuff up later about the NHL Playoffs, so check back soon.

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Yes We Can Straight Talk Rogue Bipartisan Mormon Hockey Mom!

April 12, 2011

[UPDATED]

[UPDATED AGAIN]

I have that feeling again. That unmistakable, knee-buckling dread that creeps up when soul-crushing bills become due. Like when Spring Break is nearing an end and it suddenly becomes clear that you’ll have to climb back into your friend’s ’89 Cutlass (with no AC) and drive 23 straight hours back home rolling 5 deep while two dudes chain-smoke Marlboro Lights. But this time the dread accompanies the unavoidable onslaught of criminally-premature election coverage. Who’s the front-runner?! Who resonates with middle class whites?! How much Nyquil can I take without killing myself?! [sorry, that last one was inner monologue fail]  The recent budget debate was a perfect example. Framed entirely on whether Republicans or Democrats would win the PR battle (you know, as opposed to how it would affect actual people), it didn’t matter whether the various proposals were truthful or wise, but how pundits thought they would be perceived. [Hey millionaire DC gasbag George Will, will Iowa farmers approve cuts in Medicaid?]  Along those lines, this post should be read in its entirety. Okay, since you’re a bunch of lazy bastards I’ll excerpt my favorite passages:

All of these smug little jerks look alike to me – from Ralph Reed to Eric Cantor to Jeb Hensarling to Rand Paul and now to Ryan, they all look like overgrown kids who got nipple-twisted in the halls in high school, worked as Applebee’s shift managers in college, and are now taking revenge on the world as grownups by defunding hospice care and student loans and Sesame Street…

The reason for this is always the same: the Republicans, quite smartly, recognize that there is great political hay to be made in the appearance of deficit reduction, and that white middle class voters will respond with overwhelming enthusiasm to any call for reductions in the “welfare state,” a term which said voters will instantly associate with black welfare moms and Mexicans sneaking over the border to visit American emergency rooms.

As Taibbi notes, the recent budget “battle”, masquerading as a SERIOUS discussion on reducing the deficit, was really all about duping middle class voters into footing the bill for benefits that accrue exclusively to the super-rich. Paul’s narrative is essentially that the recession was caused exclusively by social “entitlement” programs like Medicare and Medicaid and that working-class Americans must accept sacrifices for our economy to recover. Which is true…if you disregard bailouts, oil/farm/insurance/Pharma subsidies, and the military budget (which has DOUBLED since 2001). Thus, it’s kind of like a psychiatrist saying that Charlie Sheen just needs to eat less sodium.

How awesome would this chart be if it showed the percentage of the world's hot skanks?!

But even you patchouli-drenched hippies must agree that it makes sense spending almost $700 Billion per year in military expenditures since we’re currently fighting the most dangerous enemy the world has ever known (like Nazis, the bad guys from Con Air, Decepticons and orcs from LOTR combined):

Is this a Taliban caravan or did the Lakers just win the championship?

But the budget battle was symptomatic of our delusional political discourse: that we the American people have a say in the major issues affecting our country. How much of a democracy do we really have given the lack of electoral options concerning our crusades in Afghanistan, Iraq, Pakistan, Libya, Yemen, etc? Voting D or R in ’12 will have zero impact on the course of the wars. Sure, some Republicans will claim Obama isn’t doing enough to win (however “victory” is defined, that particular day) and a handful of impotent, progressive Ds will claim Republicans are worse on human rights issues. But regardless of who sits in the White House, the bombs’ll still fly. So while our infrastructure is crumbling and large-scale plans for alternative energy or high-speed trains are unthinkable, we apparently have unlimited funds to build military bases and secret prisons across the globe. [You wanna borrow some Thomas the Train books little guy? Fuck you, buy a Kindle!]

Thus I find it unbearable when pundit gasbags and dickhead politicians lecture the rest of us about sacrifice while the usual rackets are showered with money. And shame on middle America for being so fucking stupid as to be manipulated by the usual guns/gays/blacks/Mexicans boogeymen. Life sucks for most of us because unemployment is 10% and health insurance is unaffordable/inadequate and Ohio State refuses to hire an offensive coordinator. Believe me, I’d love the peace-of-mind that comes with blaming gays and spotted owls for my problems. I’d slap a few (all-caps) bumper stickers on my car, forward chain emails to all my (soon to be ex-) friends and sleep soundly and righteously. But much like when I’d pee myself after drinking 23 Natural Lights at a Wednesday night frat party, it’s hard to get comfortable once you scratch beneath the rhetoric (and by “rhetoric” I mean the angry dude who’s bed I accidentally slept in). Saying with a straight face that if enough Ds and Rs come together to slash middle class social programs that the deficit will disappear and the economy will improve: I can’t decide if Paul is more deserving of a psych evaluation or an Academy Award.

I guess I’m mostly disgusted with journalists and neighbors and politicians abandoning decency and common sense to enable the swindling. I’ve known thoughtful, intelligent people claim that we need tax cuts for the super-wealthy so that the “producer class” will stay in the US. Seriously! As if corporations haven’t already out-sourced everything that isn’t nailed down, and CEOs reluctantly continue to live in the US because they’re so damned patriotic. You know, because American billionaires just love 3rd world countries with all their brown people and livestock and natural disasters. Or the notion that becoming a millionaire is exclusively the province of America. From now on, whenever some dickhead mentions “the American dream”, I’m going to list the 103 other countries where becoming a rich asshole is possible. Even Russia spawns millionaires as evidenced by that giraffe-loving dickhead who endorses DirecTV. It’s like saying “only in Vegas” since you can now gamble and solicit hookers in almost every state these days and flying to that desert-swept shithole isn’t a necessity.

I just don’t have the energy to maintain the fiction of American exceptionalism or magical electoral outcomes. This bullshit of pretending that a few swing votes here and there are going to alter the big econ/military issues is just exhausting. It’s like my in-laws having to pretend to be excited whenever I tell the I found some job openings on-line. As an American in 2011, we have to accept that we’re a Wall St-fluffing, war-mongering nation with troops garrisoned all over the globe to promote freedom enforce American hegemony. I’ll have to live with that since it’s not like I have the balls to do anything besides sign the occasional online petition. But please, enough with the bullshit about electoral mandates and bipartisanship. It’s depressing enough having to acknowledge that we’re politically impotent and economically vulnerable. Adding the work of pretending that retirees and hippies and lesbians and Mexicans are sabotaging the labors of our wealthy benefactors will undoubtedly lead to me drinking a case of beer every night just to fall asleep and nobody wins (except for the good folks at the Natural Light Brewing Company). It’s like forcing one of the poor schleps at Applebees to sing Happy Birthday. You already won! You have the $ and the power, do you really have to make us sing and dance around like a bunch of assholes?

[UPDATE]

In case this post wasn’t sufficiently depressing, Glenn Greenwald piles on:

And now, virtually everyone in Washington believes, the President is about to embark on a path that will ultimately lead to some type of reductions in Social Security, Medicare and/or Medicaid benefits under the banner of “reform.” Tax cuts for the rich — budget cuts for the poor — “reform” of the Democratic Party’s signature safety net programs — a continuation of Bush/Cheney Terrorism policies and a new Middle East war launched without Congressional approval. That’s quite a legacy combination for a Democratic President.

The whole post is great, albeit infuriating.

[UPDATE]

This is what my post would have looked like if I had a PhD in political science…and bothered to “spell-check”.

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One Shining Moment…

April 4, 2011

Anyone else forget for a moment that this wasn't a 1st round game?

As an IU fan who lives about a mile from the Butler campus I was all too eager to jump on the Butler bandwagon (on the bench behind the “angry middle-aged white guy/basketball the way it’s meant to be played” crowd). It’s a defensible move, right? I mean, most of their players are from Indiana, their coach is a likable guy from Indy, but still…something just doesn’t feel right. It’s like coming home one day and seeing that your underachieving kids made the honor roll and put together one of those collages in art class about how much they love their dad ["you adorable little scamps!"] and they’re setting the table and not acting like savages for once, and your wife looks gorgeous in an enchanting evening gown, having decided to buck tradition and shave her legs before Memorial Day…and then…wait a minute…Brad Stevens walks in carrying one of those giant party subs and everybody runs over and gives him a huge hug! And you suddenly realize you’re standing outside on the air conditioning unit peeping through the window because you got divorced three years ago and the restraining order says you’re supposed to stay at least 150 feet from the premises. So, you’re happy for Butler/wife & kids, but it’s hardly ideal.

So what can we expect tonight, aside from about 90 David vs. Goliath metaphors, 30 shots of Matt Howard’s dad (isn’t it simply amazing that he’s a postman?!), the increasingly androgynous Greg Gumbel getting type 2 diabetes before our very eyes, 18 shots of Kemba Walker’s mom doing the NBA Draft Lottery dance, a bunch of fat Houstonites stuffed into pleated shirts and a punishing number of commercials featuring Blake Griffin (channeling his inner Fred McGriff)? To win, I think Butler will have to shoot above 50% from the 3 point line and keep Okwandu from posting a 20-20. Butler’s center Andrew Smith was horrible against VCU, eliciting the old “is that guy shaving points” question from my wife. I don’t think there’s any merit to the ESPN pundits’ theory that UCONN (particularly Kemba Walker) might be tired from how much they’ve played recently since the game will have so many TV timeouts and 20 year-olds recover pretty quickly (not to mention that shady old bastard Calhoun is right now probably injecting his players with horse amphetamines).Anyway, I see UCONN winning by 11 followed by me cursing at the TV for having stayed up til 12:03 to watch that dodgy old bastard Calhoun win the trophy. But take heart, Butler fans, I thought you lucky assholes were going to lose to Old Dominion, so that probably means you’ll win by 18.

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Final 4 News & Notes

March 31, 2011

Oh, um…hello there.

Whenever I haven’t posted in a while I always try to sneak back in and act like everything’s cool before you guys start yelling at me. Kind of like back in College when I’d be out all night with my buddies, boozin’, wrastlin’, throwin’ beer cans at each other, maybe I’d catch a few Zs in the Burger King parking lot (intentionally or otherwise), and then I’d surreptitiously enter the house, make myself a huge bowl of cereal and waltz into the family room where I’d helpfully offer to make anyone else some toast or something, a true testament to my generous nature, and my dad would be like “um, it’s 7:00 at night…and you’re not wearing any pants.” Then I’d look over on the couch and forget that my Grandma was visiting that day night, her face frozen in a mix of fear and disgust. And I’d start to concoct a lie about being mugged by some homeless guy in the Penguin Point drive-thru, before deciding to finish my cereal in the bathroom. Ahhh…the good old days. Anyway, on to the action:

If only CBS could find a euphemism to frame these matchups!

1. Too bad we can’t re-seed the Final 4 to have VCU play UCONN and Butler face Kentucky. While just about everyone wants to see VCU and Butler in the finals, favoring a side in the other matchup is like having to choose between AIDS and ass cancer. John Calipari is notorious for leaving a trail of violations and vacated wins at each of his previous coaching stops. Regarding his legacy of running a de facto minor league NBA team, Calipari channeled his inner Ron Burgundy and boasted “we’ve graduated 80% of our players who stay 4 years.” Meanwhile, Jim Calhoun is essentially a doughy mix of NCAA violations and profanities covered in liver spots. I love the NCAA’s euphemism “failing to create an atmosphere of compliance“. Does that apply elsewhere, say if I get busted driving a [stolen] car full of hookers with a suspended license, can I plead to “failing to create an atmosphere of compliance” in my vehicle? Let’s hope so!

2. Have you ever seen Donald Trump and The Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase in the same room together?

Is this man running for president?

The similarities go beyond the fake tans, feathery hair and penchant for humiliating poor people for money. See if you can discern who authored the following quotes:

When somebody challenges you, fight back. Be brutal, be tough.

Everybody has a price…for ______.

Love him or hate him, _____ is a man who is certain about what he wants and sets out to get it, no holds barred. Women find his power almost as much of a turn-on as his money.

You don’t tug on Superman’s cape, you don’t spit against the wind, and you don’t write checks that your body can’t cash.

Money was never a big motivation for me, except as a way to keep score. The real excitement is playing the game.

The great masses of the people will more easily fall victims to a big lie than to a small one.

Anyway, I think Trump’s candidacy is refreshing. It’s high time a vainglorious, conservative white guy who inherited his wealth ran this country! [Answer to quote trivia: Trump, Dibiase, Trump, Dibiase, Trump, Hitler]

3. This article paints a brutal portrait of our efforts to “win hearts and minds” in Afghanistan. Again, it’s shocking how little discussion is given matters of national security. Sure, when Dems are in power assholes like Mitch McConnell will decry issues of authority and scope. And when Republicans are in power some Democrats will wave the Constitution in righteous, impotent fury (before totally caving in fear of being labeled “soft” on national security). But when it comes to matters of war and peace, we have no effective electoral choices. But hey, at least we’re spending $Billions to create generations of Afghans, Iraqis, Libyans and Yemenis (cripes, the list is getting long!) who will swear vengeance against us. And who could blame them? My family has literally spent years complaining about their neighbors being a bunch of stingy bastards who never reciprocated dinner party invites. I have to believe drone strikes and assassinations would be slightly more offensive.

4. While we’re on the outrage express, feast your eyes on this article. In summary, GE earned $14.2 Billion in profits and paid ZERO (!) in taxes. Here’s the key line:

How did GE do it? Through what the Times describes as “innovative accounting” and fierce lobbying, GE has been cutting its tax bill for years. In a stroke of genius, it hired a former Treasury official to lead its tax department and filled its team with former IRS employees and Congressional tax specialists.

The Randian utopia is finally here! Corps pay almost zero taxes, unions have never been weaker nor regulatory agencies more impotent; now we just sit back and laugh while the wealth trickles down to the rest of us!

5. If I could be serious for a moment, I had a traumatic incident while getting my teeth cleaned yesterday. While staring into my dentists cavernous nostrils I spotted a willowy, rogue hair that rattled in the uncirculated air. It was impossibly long, dangling merely inches from my (open) mouth. And what if it detached?! Do I confront him about the appendage? Coordinate my exhalations with his to create a wind barrier? Alas, it was a quick scraping session and I got out unscathed. But will others be so lucky?

6. So, now we might not have either pro football or Mad Men next fall? Fellow unwashed masses, it’s officially time to shine up the pitchforks for a good ol’ mob rally. Credit due producer Matthew Weiner for not selling out to the network’s demands of more commercials and less actors. And thanks again corporate America for finding another way to make our lives 3% more soul-crushing!

While we’re talking about TV, I’m sketching out ideas for another sitcom. Please send in ideas that I can usurp. Something original like a middle-class family with a wise-cracking dad, maybe a cop duo with a grizzly old white guy and a sassy black dude, or how about a show glamorizing working class white people from south Boston?! Please discuss in comments.

7. Okay, time for me to prep for my annual April Fools prank where I take off my clothes, break into the neighbor’s house while they’re at work and swallow a rufie: that way we’re all in on the joke!

Have a good week.

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Ten Things We Learned From Rounds 1 and 2

March 21, 2011

Alright you bastards, time to get down to business with 10 things we learned this weekend:

1. 95% of coaching is looking the part. Seriously, look at these assholes:

Purdue coach Matt Painter

Pre-owned Hyundai salesman Steve Lavin

W Va sex offender Bob Huggins

Painter replaced the impossibly ghoulish Gene Keady, which makes me think there’s an NCAA bylaw requiring Purdue coaches to dress like mortgage officers who deny loans to immigrants. Lavin looks like he’s willing to give you top dollar for your trade-in. Huggins appears to traffic in pit bulls and Eastern European sex workers. And let’s not forget Notre Dame coach Mike Brey, who looks like a strip club manager who pays his dancers in meth tabs. What else do these four have in common? They were all upset in the tournament, which made them accessories to the murder of my NCAA bracket. Painter in particular was terrible, making zero adjustments in a humiliating loss to VCU. It was like watching an autistic kid throw “rock” 90 times in a row in a game of rock, paper, scissors. [Call scissors a zone for once you asshole!] Thus, a lesson to all you aspiring coaches: memorize some jargon about hustling and teamwork, grow a mustache, comb your hair over, buy an ill-fitting suit from the sale rack at S & K Men’s Warehouse, make some “connections” with AAU coaches/handlers and you’ll be 95% of the way there.

2. If Satan rose from the the dark depths of hell, ate the city of Newark, washed it down with the Schlitz brewery, pulled his pants down around his goat hooves and farted 3 inches from your face, it could hardly smell worse than the bottle of breast milk I found hidden under my 10 month old’s car seat. [Ye gods!] It was literally a knee-buckling stench the likes of which sailors spin tales about. So a lesson to all you soon-to-be parents and panhandlers: if you see an old, solidified bottle of milk, just pitch it. Trust me.

3. Brad Stevens is a really, really good coach. I doubt there’s a single player on Butler’s roster who will play professionally (well, maybe Shelvin Mack will log some minutes in Istanbul). Matt Howard is like a poor man’s Luke Harangody, who himself is a homeless man’s Brian Scalabrine. Imagine what Stevens could do with genuinely talented players! I guess we’ll find out when Texas lures him to Austin with suitcases of cash after firing Rick Barnes. [Sorry, as an Indiana guy I had to take one shot at those lucky bastards at Butler].

4. As a country, we are to Middle Eastern quagmires what Katherine Heigl is to shitty romantic comedies [that analogy was for all 3 female readers who made it this far]. Q: Dodgy constitutional authority for military intervention, dubious reliance on humanitarian grounds, unilateral engagement and no exit strategy? A: I’ll take Libya “aid” for $200B!

5. Coaching still matters. With the seemingly endless timeouts and TV commercial breaks, today’s tournament games inevitably bog down into half-court battles where execution usually trumps raw talent (notable exception: Matta, Thad). Long gone are the days when teams like UNLV or (mid-90s Kentucky) could run & gun teams off the court. There are too many goddamned breaks in the action. If Texas or Pitt could replace their coaches with that IBM computer that’s really good at Jeopardy & stuff, they’d probably have made it to the Sweet 16. And that’s why I don’t think any of my Buckeye friends are truly comfortable with the thought of a close game where Matta (aka, the sweatiest man in the world) has to match wits with Roy Williams…or Coach K…or even John Wooden’s corpse.

6. The one drawback to watching 10 hours of basketball per day is being inundated with shitty commercials. I’m about 3 more NAPA commercials from pulling a Martin Sheen in Apocalypse Now and drunkenly destroying a hotel room in my underwear. Other companies I hope to see in bankruptcy receivership: Nationwide (enough with the ginger asshole spokesman!); State Farm (anyone else wish the Macho Man Randy Savage would break into that college apartment and drown those hipster douchebags in the hot tub? Anyone? Just me?);  that one commercial with the fat guy carrying around a huge vial of uric acid; and everything eloquently described here.

7. A few years ago I was dining at the Original Pancake House, a haven for obese diners [enjoy our giant portions and enormous bathroom stalls, we won't judge you!], when a guy a few tables over keeled over from a heart attack. Seriously, an ambulance and fire truck showed up, it was the real deal. And do you think any of the disgusting fatbodies in there stopped hoovering up sausage links? No! The causal connection zipped right over their giant, sweaty foreheads. Similarly, as a country we’re still whistling past the graveyard of nuclear energy. After the tragedy in Japan (not to mention the Gulf oil spill), you’d think it would be prudent to have one of those “national conversations” about alternative energy. Does anyone truly believe that the US, with our shitty cars and slow trains and concealed weapons, are better at technology and safety than Japan?! More people are shot every year in Marvin Harrison’s carwash than their entire goddamned country.

8. White people love Jimmer Fredette more than LL Bean and (insert joke here). Maybe it’s my love of caffeine and booze and smokes talking, but I’m not so sure he’s truly the best player in the country. [I say this having not watched 1 minute of BYU basketball this season]. And like Drew Magary so eloquently noted, I’m not going to celebrate BYU’s embrace of 19th century social norms. Cheering for the Cougars is like pulling for Saudi Arabia to win the World Cup. I was going to make a joke about the Church of LDS refusing to ordain blacks until 1978…but then I remembered that my (old) Catholic church isn’t so hot about women in the priesthood, or gays, or science. So, moving on…

9. The Big East was vastly overrated. Credit a liberal media conspiracy funded by George Soros and communist trade unions, we were all led to believe that the Big East’s 11 tournament teams would rip through the tournament. Yet only two, UCONN and Marquette, made it through to the Sweet 16. Maybe it’s the absence of any truly dominant players. Maybe the players are too distracted by the co-eds who no longer have to walk around campus in snowsuits. Regardless, my selection of Pitt to win the tournament looks about as prescient and cool as a barbed wire tat on a flabby 50 year-old arm.

10. Comedy Central roasts will never be the same without Greg Giraldo. My all-time favorite comedian died last year and his absence weighed heavily on last week’s roast of Donald Trump. Seriously, do yourself a favor and google clips of Giraldo working his magic at the roasts of Joan Rivers, William Shatner, Flava Flav, Larry the Cable Guy and Jeff Foxworthy. If Heaven exists, I like to think that Giraldo is there roasting all the assholes that weaseled in.

Lastly, let me add that Duke still sucks a pile of burnt dicks. Cheers!

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