Posts Tagged ‘boardwalk empire’

Weekend Roundup

December 19, 2011

[UPDATED]

Sorry for the lack of posts this week, my 3 y/o stopped taking naps in the afternoon and it’s been quite a shock to my schedule. I’ve been unable to blog or work out and I’m about 13 weeks overdue for a haircut. When you have toddlers, afternoon naps are an oasis allowing you to clean call your parents read make dinner go to the bathroom by yourself and adjust fantasy football rosters. When they stop napping it’s like having to do double duty because your asshole coworker calls in sick EVERY DAY. Anyway, as my wife candidly observed, with my “wingy” hair I’m starting to look like a middle-aged, tranny Farrah Fawcett. On that delightful note, let’s get started:

Don't start making out with each other! GAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

1. Listen up Hollywood, enough with the incest storylines. First you traumatized us in Boardwalk Empire with Jimmy being seduced by his mom [my screams woke up my 2 kids making me feel like a TOTAL ASSHOLE]. And now Dexter and his sister are on the verge of getting frisky, making me want to give myself the Machine Gun Kelly treatment. Dexter’s killed roughly 10k people since the show premiered, but can’t he do something a little less scandalous, like eat a dead or burn down a nursing home? I don’t mean to get all Rick Perry on you, but what kind of country do we live in when a man can’t even sit on the couch at midnight in his boxers eating a sleeve of Ritz crackers watching a show about a serial killer without being subjected to offensive material? Anyway, I think we can all agree the two actors should get divorced in real life just to ease my sensibilities.

The one storyline I love this season is Batista’s 1978 Trans-Am, and not in a trendy, pretend-I-like-drinking-Pabst kind of way. I’ve always loved old cars, maybe it’s a lingering idea that guys who drive fast cars are TOUGH and KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THE LADIES. I distinctly remember hanging out in a Pizza Hut parking lot on a random evening in 1990 after a football game with some other freshmen dudes [in a related story, we were all single] when a guy pulled up in one of those mini trucks and parked so that he intentionally took up two spots. We all agreed that the guy, in his late 20s with lines shaved in the side of his hair, definitely got laid ALL THE TIME.

2. I’m a huge fan of Always Sunny, but the most physically-grotesque character on that show is not Frank Reynolds, but Dee. She always looks like she just returned from a 8 week heroin binge with Steven Tyler. FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST ON A STICK EAT A GOD DAMNED SANDWICH ONCE IN A WHILE YOU EMACIATED, ANDROGYNOUS PREYING MANTIS! Look, this is a serious issue and I hope someday to have the opportunity to address young women about eating disorders. Maybe I could go to different boarding schools on the East Coast and spread the message of my 10:1 rule (i.e., it’s better to be 10 lbs overweight than 1 under). Hooking up with Dee Reynolds and all the other chicks who look like they donated blood 40 days in a row would be awesome…if dudes who run cross country make you randy. [To the women reading this right now, why aren't you taking notes?!]

3. The Crossroads Classic

Given the Sandusky allegations isn't it a little tone deaf for Mike Brey to dress up like an Armenian porn wholesaler?

IU remained unbeaten on Saturday beating an Irish team that resembled a WNBA franchise headed for the draft lottery. At one point Notre Dame went over ten minutes without a field goal, it was like watching Larry Flynt trying to fuck the statue of Liberty. The Papacy cannot be happy with this collection of talent-less hacks in South Bend who, to be fair, look quite similar to the venerable ’09 IU team that lost to the likes of Lipscombe. After watching notably unskilled ND center Jack Cooley nearly concuss himself trying to secure a rebound, I think it’s fair to include tall men along with hot skanks in the DNA Lottery Club. If you’re a high school kid over 6′ 8″ tall, it’s a veritable lock that you’ll earn a college scholarship. [Similarly, attractive women are literally allowed to kill babies]  As someone who fantasizes about being both, I burn with envy seeing these gangly sasquatches earn BMOC rights merely by having over-active thyroid glands.

One quick note on America’s football team: apparently Urban Meyer is tearing it up on the recruiting front and making some great hires. It’s a sad reality of college sports that a grown-ass man such as myself has to obsess over the decisions of 18 year-old boys, but there it is. Anyway, what I find hilarious is this emerging storyline that it’s going to take Urban a long time to install his spread offense. This assumes we had one in the first place! Ohio State’s offense under Tressel/Bollman had three plays: (1) off-tackle right; (2) off-tackle left; and (3) stare down one primary receiver for 5 seconds and if he isn’t open, then run. Look, I’m sure it will be unfamiliar for OSU players to have to read an actual playbook, but it’s not like asking the ’00 Rams to run Navy’s offense. Okay? Good? NOW EVERYONE CALM DOWN GOD DAMMIT!

4. I can’t improve upon this article about the alleged “end” to the Iraq War. Oh, and it wasn’t even our choice to leave. Our Noble Peace Prize-winning President actually pressured Iraq to allow troops to remain past the withdrawal date. So if you’re keeping track, we lied about invading, lied about the horrors we unleashed AND lied about withdrawing. So it was kind of like all those times your spouse asks you how a business trip was, even though the whole thing was a made-up excuse to leave the State and score some meth & wager on dog fights and you fled the scene of an accident, drunk, after your rental car slammed into a school bus, killing three underage hookers in the back seat. On a serious note, just ponder for a moment that despite what an enormous, vile waste of lives & treasure this was, the only person in jail is that white trash Fred Savage-looking lady who photographed the naked prisoners at Abu Ghraib. Meanwhile, 3 NFL coaches were probably fired in the time it took me to write this post. Okay, I better change the subject before I get too depressed and hide in the garage next to the glue cannisters.

5. Time to update my People-Who-Deserve-To-Be-Kicked-In-The-Junk List! Here goes:

  1. Mark Halperin (and everyone else on this list of media hacks)
  2. Every hack sports pundit who writes hagiographic articles about Tebow.
  3. Irrelevant bloggers who are too lazy to look up a synonym for the word “hack”.
  4. Christopher Hitchens (posthumously) for his blood lust in propagandizing the Iraq war.
  5. Caleb Hanie for being the worst person in Chicago since this guy.
  6. The people who write those “grass roots” political chain emails.
  7. All the animals who slept in their makeshift dens the last time I took my kids to the zoo. “Hey, wake up you lazy bastards! IT’S SHOW TIME!“
  8. The zoo staffer who tried to tell me it was illegal to yell at monkeys.
  9. Everyone who send out Xmas letters full of humblebrags.
  10. The actors in Xmas commercials for jewelry stores. Hey, Kay Jewelers: you know what else “starts with K”? Kidney Stones, which are calcium deposits that make the act of peeing feel like you’re smuggling disposable razors in your genitals.

Would you like to pay $5 for some old masturbation jokes?

6. So I finally had to check out Louis CK’s comedy special last week, plunking down $5 to watch it online. On a related note, he was featured in a pretty cool Rolling Stone article that discussed why and how he set up the special to be downloaded (to avoid all the asshole middle men and their fees). I got a vicarious thrill reading about a seemingly regular guy who can finally call the shots after spending decades being screwed over by club managers, agents and producers. As for the show itself? I thought the jokes themselves were just okay, but overall it was still entertaining. I can’t really explain it, but when I have a history with someone who’s really funny, their future jokes/observations start from a higher plane. If one of my really funny friends or Larry David or Dave Chappelle walked in, looked at my shoddy appearance, and asked for a ride to the methadone clinic, I’d probably laugh. If Diane Sawyer made the same (only marginally funny joke), I’d probably cry and run upstairs to shave. But there was one joke from the special that nearly had me bust a rib from laughter. And that was when Louie talked about taking 1970s Bad Company hits from a joint and started singing “here come the jesters: 1, 2, 3!” For some reason it took me back to the first gym I ever worked out at when old school meatheads with their tight shorts and baggy shirts (the opposite of new school meatheads) would be in there rocking out to Bachman Turner Overdrive and Emerson Lake and Palmer, pausing only to admire their acne-scarred delts & traps in the mirror, high-fiving and urging each other to “TCB!”

On that classy/sexy note, have a good day.

[UPDATE]

Check out this article by Charles Pierce (who stands as a bastion of Hunter S. Thompson-caliber journalism amidst a sea of contrarian douchery that is Grantland) on Tebow and the culture war.

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Quick Business

December 7, 2011

1. I don’t know why it bothers me so much, but Corona’s “Find your Beach” ads are patently disingenuous.

If this is a real beach, where are the disgusting old people?

As the world’s biggest misanthrope, it probably comes as no surprise that I think beaches are shit. I genuinely don’t understand the appeal. I enjoy watching the waves, but my view is always obscured by zombies old people walking by in their pastel sweatshirts or European tourists with their horrible skin. As for wildlife, seagulls are essentially loud, flying rats and you can always count on some dead thing washing ashore to attract flies. And the smell: like a bunch of fat guys having an orgy in a Red Lobster bathroom. Ever try to put sunscreen on toddlers? It’s like trying to feed someone on hunger strike. And the ratio of people who look hot/ghastly in bathing suits is literally 1:100,000 (seriously, there have been studies). And the only thing I like less than seeing other people in bathing suits is wearing one myself. Having to suck in my stomach for 9 straight hours? EXHAUSTING. So please dispense with the bullshit, Corona. You’re brewed in the murder capital of the world. You were rumored to contain urine. I’ve seen more people in east St. Louis riding clydesdales than hot people on beaches drinking Coronas.

2. TV Round-Up

I wish I had stopped watching at this exact moment.

It seems that Boardwalk Empire wanted to capitalize on the buzz generated by the Penn State/Sandusky crisis with an Oedipal scandal of its own. How will this be topped next week? Richard entering a rib eating contest? Nucky peeing on Jimmy and his mother while agent van Alden masturbates in a corner (while wearing a Garfield mask)? Seriously though, isn’t it weird seeing Irish Americans with Boston accents not wearing (replica) Red Sox jerseys and either scratching off Powerball tickets or hurling obscenities at tourists? FACK THE YANKEES YOUA BASTADS! Anyway, I’d write a recap of Homeland but I’m sure some other asshole beat me to it (and I kind of have to go to the bathroom).

3. I enjoyed this rant on parenting from Drew Magary since I can relate to anger management issues whenever my two kids give me the old Lord of The Flies treatment. The problem is that they know all of their punishments really end up penalizing me. I would of course never lay a finger on them (or pull a Tonya Harding and pay someone else to do it), but I clearly need to find a way to command some respect. Toward that end, I thought of a plan that involves my buddy Richard stopping by and acting like a huge asshole (NOT a stretch). And after a few hours of him giving me lip (despite threatening to take him to “time out”) I withdraw a starter’s pistol and pull the trigger 7-8 times (after which I carry his body outside and dump him in a trash can). Now, I know what you’re probably thinking: is your trash can big enough? Well, there’s always the car trunk. Anyway, my kids are 1 and 3, we dont’ need Oceans 11-style execution, so stop hassling me about details!

4. Some quick linkage: These Old Milwaukee ads featuring Will Ferrell are great.  And finally, some disturbing news from The Onion.

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Friday Ramblings (Updated)

December 2, 2011

Peyton Manning wishes that just for once you weren't all such goddamned failures. Oh, and please donate to the PEYTON MANNING MEMORIAL CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL this Holiday season!

1. As a half-assed Colts fan, one of the few joys of the season is watching Manning’s openly-disgusted expressions whenever Curtis Painter sails a ball 10 yards over a receiver’s head. Reminds me of my dad watching me fold a newspaper/tie a tie/change a tire/load a dishwasher/start a grill. It’s the nonverbal equivalent of a girl telling you “hey, um, that felt great but why don’t you take a break for a while“. I’ve just never been a big Manning fan given my distrust of Southerners, his stint at Tennessee, the canned shots of his parents at every Colts/Giants game (the rest of the players must be orphans) and his petulant on-field demeanor. But since Comcast won’t make a deal with the NFL Network we’re subjected to every shitty Colts matchup, which is basically Comcast’s way of forcing me at gunpoint to interact with my family gamble.

"Herbie, remind me again which team is wearing yellow trousers."

2. Despite their seemingly cushy job duties, sports announcers age worse than porn stars. After a few years on the job, otherwise intelligent men are reduced to cliche-spewing morons who deliriously chuckle at every half-baked pun. Take Brent Musburger, who seems to have been hired to make Lee Corso seem witty. His folksy euphemisms (“Andrew Luck learned at his daddy’s knee…”) are enough to make me want to burn down a Cracker Barrel. Perhaps worst of all is saying a team got “taken to the woodshed”. First of all, nobody has woodsheds anymore. Even the meth trailers in Winter’s Bone had freaking gas pipes. And it’s been quite a few years since I took the bar exam, but isn’t beating your children illegal (even in the South)? I bet if I made some outdated reference to abusing kids (like threatening to ship my toddlers to a leper colony) nobody would think it was charming since I don’t have a Southern drawl. And don’t get me started on those creepy Gruden interviews on the tiny Monday Night Football RV that even the Colonel from Boogie Nights would find a little too cozy.

Gratuitous 80s Video of the Week

When I decided to be attracted to women in the early 1980s, videos like this was like that scene in Castaway when a starving Tom Hanks locates a buffet (I’ve never actually seen Castaway, I just assume something like this happened). But look at David Lee Roth in this video, what a showman! The jump kicks, the pelvic thrusts…you think some moody asshole like Chris Martin from Coldplay could pull this off? NOT A CHANCE!

3. Listening to a Pretenders song today made me realize that sometimes even people as compassionate as me have to be reminded that unattractive people can be talented. [I'm not saying I'm necessarily a hero for acknowledging this, just thought I'd try and go a good deed after seeing one of those Values.com billboards] Case in point: Chrissie Hynde. I’ve always had a thing for women who can sing (well, admittedly I pretty much have a thing for all women who aren’t bodybuilders). And Hynde’s no feast for the eyes, but she could sing me a diagnosis of testicular cancer and I’d swoon.

4. If you’re like me, you wait ALL DAY for the kids to go to bed so you can watch something that isn’t a cartoon or, worse, a cartoon of singers and dancers. Toward that end, let’s keep a ranking of the best shows on TV. Now, I’ll listen to your arguments but I’m really skeptical when someone recommends a show. My wife likes the show “How I Met Your Mother” which makes me want to gnaw through the cable line like a rat. Anyway, here’s the list:

  • Boardwalk Empire (Stone-cold awesome. I’d watch ANYTHING by Scorcese: a show about mimes, my wife’s infidelity…anything)
  • Homeland (A tour de force performance by Claire Danes! Okay, fine, I copied that from USA Today, big whup).
  • American Horror Story (although now “gay men”, “girls with down syndrome” and “maids” have joined my fear index: sharks, public speaking, e coli, Carrot Top)
  • Dexter (definitely not as good this season, but still enjoyable. Although the Dexter monologues are starting to feel like a Dodge commercial)
  • Always Sunny in Philadelphia (I’d comment but 3 dudes in your office have probably already expressed dismay that you didn’t see last night’s episode)
  • Southland (If this show goes off the air again I’m going to kick Ted Turner in the ding-a-ling)

Being a Mets fan is more embarrassing than appearing in "Rollerball".

7. Alright, time to do a quick top 10 list on the iPod. Quick note: I just figured out that Ryan Adams is a different guy than Bryan Adams. Thinking the latter was making a comeback, I thought “good for Bryan Adams, Canadians are nice people!” But instead it’s just another indistinguishable alt/folk artist destined to be played 24/7 in Starbucks nationwide. To ease our confusion, can we at least agree that Bryan and Ryan should fight to the death with swords? Anyway, here’s the list:

  1. Aberdeen – Cage the Elephant (am I too old to like Cage the Elephant? Wait, don’t answer that)
  2. Lonely Boy – The Black Keys (although radio stations are already playing it to death and I’ll probably hate it by Wednesday)
  3. The King and All his Men – Wolf Gang
  4. When the Levee Breaks – Led Zeppelin (they don’t all have to be new songs, do they? Okay fine, the remastered version)
  5. Don’t Stop – Foster the People (and Nissan can eat a suitcase full of assholes for using this in their ads)
  6. Polish Girl – Neon Indian
  7. We Used to Wait – Arcade Fire (not a new tune, but I find it soothing, like stuffing a hot towel right out of the dryer into my pants)
  8. Cuts Like a Knife – Bryan Adams (okay, just seeing if you were paying attention)
  9. Helena Beat – Foster the People
  10. Dark of the Matinee – Franz Ferdinand

8. Here is the least surprising headline you’ll ever read. And here’s the most frightening.

Anyway, have a great weekend. Check back later for updates.

[UPDATE]

Okay, I just watched last Sunday’s episode of Dexter and I may have to drop the show entirely off my list. This week’s plot twist requires a herculean suspension of disbelief. Look, we all have to give logic a hall pass while watching this show (attractive police detectives? NICE TRY HOLLYWOOD!), but putting Edward James Olmos in the church freezer the whole time?! Why not just have Dexter discover a trove of Miami Vice VHS cassettes that inspired Tom Hanks’ son to go on an apocalyptic killing spree? And while we’re on the subject of realism, this show takes place in Florida so where are the old people, con artists and Asian tourists that make up 99.9999999% of the Sunshine State’s population? You don’t actually see Floridians when you go to Florida, just like you don’t see Germans at Indy’s German Fest (just a bunch of Greek families serving SuperPretzles out of their shanty kiosks). Thanks for that 53 minutes of ass Showtime!

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Oh, um, this is awkward.

October 15, 2010

So, I’ve been a big, giant fat D for not writing lately…and a thousand apologies to Indy Agenda Nation. Starting next week I will get back to the normal daily schedule. For the past few weeks I’ve been scouring the are for job opportunities. Toward that end, next week’s first post will detail how much I enjoy sorting through all the corporate euphemisms and phony HR bullshit (ooh, that company has a photo of a black guy, an old lady and some dude in a wheelchair all high-fiving each other, it must be SO MUCH FUN TO WORK THERE!). Until then, I wanted to share this article.

 

Say hello to my little friend!

 

Pictured is Russell Reed of Churubusco with his 165 lb snapping turtle. The gist of the article is how Indiana is one of the few States that requires a permit from the DNR to own dangerous, exotic animals. And apparently 300 such permits have been issued for animals ranging from squirrels and possums to lions and tigers. The article left some questions unanswered:

1. Why is Reed posing like he’s holding a suitcase full of plutonium? Is that much brooding intensity really warranted? It’s a freaking turtle. It’s shell could be covered in razorblades and hand grenades and it still wouldn’t be cool to act like it was dangerous.

2. Just exactly how little is there to do in small-town Indiana for one to go through with constructing an aquarium, filing a permit with the DNR and devoting your life to caring for a turtle? Don’t they at least have Netflix?

3. Seriously, people have skunks as pets? Aren’t they basically just big rats that can spray crap all over the place any time they’re startled? Gee, sign me up twice!

Anyway, just a few quick, random thoughts before I research my gambling picks for the weekend:

1.  Is anyone else disappointed with Season 2 of Eastbound & Down? I don’t mind at all that it’s gotten a bit weird and dark, but I don’t think the jokes and storylines have been that good. [And shouldn't there be a separate rating for any episode with a Stevie Janowski sex scene?] I am a big fan of Boardwalk Empire though. Good to see “Omar” back on the tele.

2. Speaking of ages past, I’m going to pull a Bill Maher and issue a new rule that any dumbasses clamoring for the “good old days” be required to actually have the courage of their convictions. That means hard jail time if anyone suspects you of being a communist; employers can fire you for being any age, race or religion; we live under constant threat of nuclear annihilation or Indian/bear attack; no compensation if the mill you work at is unsafe and you lose an arm; and soda pop will contain narcotics (wait, that would actually be kind of funny).

Anyway, sorry again for the lack of any action around here. Back to business on Monday.

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