Posts Tagged ‘ohio state’

Weekend Roundup

December 19, 2011

[UPDATED]

Sorry for the lack of posts this week, my 3 y/o stopped taking naps in the afternoon and it’s been quite a shock to my schedule. I’ve been unable to blog or work out and I’m about 13 weeks overdue for a haircut. When you have toddlers, afternoon naps are an oasis allowing you to clean call your parents read make dinner go to the bathroom by yourself and adjust fantasy football rosters. When they stop napping it’s like having to do double duty because your asshole coworker calls in sick EVERY DAY. Anyway, as my wife candidly observed, with my “wingy” hair I’m starting to look like a middle-aged, tranny Farrah Fawcett. On that delightful note, let’s get started:

Don't start making out with each other! GAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

1. Listen up Hollywood, enough with the incest storylines. First you traumatized us in Boardwalk Empire with Jimmy being seduced by his mom [my screams woke up my 2 kids making me feel like a TOTAL ASSHOLE]. And now Dexter and his sister are on the verge of getting frisky, making me want to give myself the Machine Gun Kelly treatment. Dexter’s killed roughly 10k people since the show premiered, but can’t he do something a little less scandalous, like eat a dead or burn down a nursing home? I don’t mean to get all Rick Perry on you, but what kind of country do we live in when a man can’t even sit on the couch at midnight in his boxers eating a sleeve of Ritz crackers watching a show about a serial killer without being subjected to offensive material? Anyway, I think we can all agree the two actors should get divorced in real life just to ease my sensibilities.

The one storyline I love this season is Batista’s 1978 Trans-Am, and not in a trendy, pretend-I-like-drinking-Pabst kind of way. I’ve always loved old cars, maybe it’s a lingering idea that guys who drive fast cars are TOUGH and KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THE LADIES. I distinctly remember hanging out in a Pizza Hut parking lot on a random evening in 1990 after a football game with some other freshmen dudes [in a related story, we were all single] when a guy pulled up in one of those mini trucks and parked so that he intentionally took up two spots. We all agreed that the guy, in his late 20s with lines shaved in the side of his hair, definitely got laid ALL THE TIME.

2. I’m a huge fan of Always Sunny, but the most physically-grotesque character on that show is not Frank Reynolds, but Dee. She always looks like she just returned from a 8 week heroin binge with Steven Tyler. FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST ON A STICK EAT A GOD DAMNED SANDWICH ONCE IN A WHILE YOU EMACIATED, ANDROGYNOUS PREYING MANTIS! Look, this is a serious issue and I hope someday to have the opportunity to address young women about eating disorders. Maybe I could go to different boarding schools on the East Coast and spread the message of my 10:1 rule (i.e., it’s better to be 10 lbs overweight than 1 under). Hooking up with Dee Reynolds and all the other chicks who look like they donated blood 40 days in a row would be awesome…if dudes who run cross country make you randy. [To the women reading this right now, why aren't you taking notes?!]

3. The Crossroads Classic

Given the Sandusky allegations isn't it a little tone deaf for Mike Brey to dress up like an Armenian porn wholesaler?

IU remained unbeaten on Saturday beating an Irish team that resembled a WNBA franchise headed for the draft lottery. At one point Notre Dame went over ten minutes without a field goal, it was like watching Larry Flynt trying to fuck the statue of Liberty. The Papacy cannot be happy with this collection of talent-less hacks in South Bend who, to be fair, look quite similar to the venerable ’09 IU team that lost to the likes of Lipscombe. After watching notably unskilled ND center Jack Cooley nearly concuss himself trying to secure a rebound, I think it’s fair to include tall men along with hot skanks in the DNA Lottery Club. If you’re a high school kid over 6′ 8″ tall, it’s a veritable lock that you’ll earn a college scholarship. [Similarly, attractive women are literally allowed to kill babies]  As someone who fantasizes about being both, I burn with envy seeing these gangly sasquatches earn BMOC rights merely by having over-active thyroid glands.

One quick note on America’s football team: apparently Urban Meyer is tearing it up on the recruiting front and making some great hires. It’s a sad reality of college sports that a grown-ass man such as myself has to obsess over the decisions of 18 year-old boys, but there it is. Anyway, what I find hilarious is this emerging storyline that it’s going to take Urban a long time to install his spread offense. This assumes we had one in the first place! Ohio State’s offense under Tressel/Bollman had three plays: (1) off-tackle right; (2) off-tackle left; and (3) stare down one primary receiver for 5 seconds and if he isn’t open, then run. Look, I’m sure it will be unfamiliar for OSU players to have to read an actual playbook, but it’s not like asking the ’00 Rams to run Navy’s offense. Okay? Good? NOW EVERYONE CALM DOWN GOD DAMMIT!

4. I can’t improve upon this article about the alleged “end” to the Iraq War. Oh, and it wasn’t even our choice to leave. Our Noble Peace Prize-winning President actually pressured Iraq to allow troops to remain past the withdrawal date. So if you’re keeping track, we lied about invading, lied about the horrors we unleashed AND lied about withdrawing. So it was kind of like all those times your spouse asks you how a business trip was, even though the whole thing was a made-up excuse to leave the State and score some meth & wager on dog fights and you fled the scene of an accident, drunk, after your rental car slammed into a school bus, killing three underage hookers in the back seat. On a serious note, just ponder for a moment that despite what an enormous, vile waste of lives & treasure this was, the only person in jail is that white trash Fred Savage-looking lady who photographed the naked prisoners at Abu Ghraib. Meanwhile, 3 NFL coaches were probably fired in the time it took me to write this post. Okay, I better change the subject before I get too depressed and hide in the garage next to the glue cannisters.

5. Time to update my People-Who-Deserve-To-Be-Kicked-In-The-Junk List! Here goes:

  1. Mark Halperin (and everyone else on this list of media hacks)
  2. Every hack sports pundit who writes hagiographic articles about Tebow.
  3. Irrelevant bloggers who are too lazy to look up a synonym for the word “hack”.
  4. Christopher Hitchens (posthumously) for his blood lust in propagandizing the Iraq war.
  5. Caleb Hanie for being the worst person in Chicago since this guy.
  6. The people who write those “grass roots” political chain emails.
  7. All the animals who slept in their makeshift dens the last time I took my kids to the zoo. “Hey, wake up you lazy bastards! IT’S SHOW TIME!“
  8. The zoo staffer who tried to tell me it was illegal to yell at monkeys.
  9. Everyone who send out Xmas letters full of humblebrags.
  10. The actors in Xmas commercials for jewelry stores. Hey, Kay Jewelers: you know what else “starts with K”? Kidney Stones, which are calcium deposits that make the act of peeing feel like you’re smuggling disposable razors in your genitals.

Would you like to pay $5 for some old masturbation jokes?

6. So I finally had to check out Louis CK’s comedy special last week, plunking down $5 to watch it online. On a related note, he was featured in a pretty cool Rolling Stone article that discussed why and how he set up the special to be downloaded (to avoid all the asshole middle men and their fees). I got a vicarious thrill reading about a seemingly regular guy who can finally call the shots after spending decades being screwed over by club managers, agents and producers. As for the show itself? I thought the jokes themselves were just okay, but overall it was still entertaining. I can’t really explain it, but when I have a history with someone who’s really funny, their future jokes/observations start from a higher plane. If one of my really funny friends or Larry David or Dave Chappelle walked in, looked at my shoddy appearance, and asked for a ride to the methadone clinic, I’d probably laugh. If Diane Sawyer made the same (only marginally funny joke), I’d probably cry and run upstairs to shave. But there was one joke from the special that nearly had me bust a rib from laughter. And that was when Louie talked about taking 1970s Bad Company hits from a joint and started singing “here come the jesters: 1, 2, 3!” For some reason it took me back to the first gym I ever worked out at when old school meatheads with their tight shorts and baggy shirts (the opposite of new school meatheads) would be in there rocking out to Bachman Turner Overdrive and Emerson Lake and Palmer, pausing only to admire their acne-scarred delts & traps in the mirror, high-fiving and urging each other to “TCB!”

On that classy/sexy note, have a good day.

[UPDATE]

Check out this article by Charles Pierce (who stands as a bastion of Hunter S. Thompson-caliber journalism amidst a sea of contrarian douchery that is Grantland) on Tebow and the culture war.

Tags:, , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

And Now For Something Completely Different…

June 1, 2011

…my quick take on the Jim Tressel/OSU saga. [But first, please check out fellow gadfly LeCharles Bentley's insightful take here]

I look forward to college football more than every other sport, holiday and tv show combined. I love the pageantry, the traditions, the student sections and even the bands. I love attending OSU games so much I once hatched a plan to sneak into the Michigan game dressed as a National Guardsman. And as a grown man, I somewhat-ashamedly follow recruiting and beef when family or work interferes with my College football Saturdays. But as an unwavering fan, it’s become increasingly difficult to overlook the seedy underbelly of the sport.

First, there is the shameful exploitation of players by the NCAA, conferences and bowls which make $Billions from what is essentially a mandatory minor league for the NFL. [My feelings toward that esteemed institution are pretty much summed up by this South Park episode].

But what really saddens me is the way Pryor & co. are being vilified by fans and media alike. And for that, I think us fans deserve a lot of the blame. Many of the same fans who are blaming Pryor for Tressel’s undoing are the same ones who bought his jersey and begged for his autograph. As fans we prop them up on pedestals…and then stab them in the back when they act like divas. It’s always fun to see a blue-chip player select your school, but I always try to remind myself that I’m a 35 year-old man following the whims of 17 & 18 year-old boys. Part of the problem is simply that the players look like grown men. Another issue is that football has become our national past-time and a quasi-religious celebration of family and patriotism [if that sounds like a stretch, next time you watch a game note the prayers, anthem, soldiers, etc.].

Do Pryor & co. deserve the scorn and condemnation? First, I have to ask who the victims are of their alleged crimes. They aren’t alleged to have committed assault or driving under the influence. The victim is the nebulous concept of student-athletes that makes us feel all warm and fuzzy about college sports. But I sympathize with Pryor for two reasons. One, as a player he’s contributed more to the school than I ever will as a fan. I’ll never know what it’s like to have to study after getting my ass-kicked in practice. Two, he’s a freaking kid. There are a lot of rumors that Pryor is a bit of a prima donna. Even if true, so fucking what? As a 19 year-old I sometimes acted like a dickhead without any of the talent or fame to back it up. Meanwhile, Pryor broke the rules and he’ll pay his debts to the NCAA by serving a 5 game suspension. And after winning the Sugar Bowl, Pryor repeatedly apologized to fans for his actions. What more does he need to do for violating our fantasy of student athletics?

Meanwhile, Tressel is neither the criminal portrayed by media hacks nor the saint portrayed by diehard OSU fans. He’s simply a grown man who made tens of millions of dollars coaching in an ethically murky system that rewards uncurious supervision of players. Thus, I would like to see Tressel step up and condemn the fans who are blaming Pryor for his departure. Throughout his coaching tenure Tressel has consistently preached leadership and virtue and accountability, and I hope he stands by his words.

Finally, as Peter King might say while drinking a latte in a Hoboken strip club: I think I think that Luke Fickell will be a great coach. This could be the type of thing that galvanizes the team and leads to a great season. And if it doesn’t, and the NFL lockout holds up, I’ll be sure to post my mailing address for whatever rehab facility I’ll end up in.

Tags:, , , ,
Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

Recap

January 5, 2011

[UPDATED]

[UPDATED AGAIN]

Just a few quick notes before getting into the Sugar Bowl:

1. This post is insanely funny and worth the (admittedly lengthy) read. Along those lines, I have a rival story to share but I’ll save it for a slow news day.

2. Just imagine taking out the garbage in the morning and finding some tanned-up dwarf skank in a vomit-soaked cocktail dress sleeping in your trash can next to a half-eaten piece of Sbarro’s pizza. You’d scream…and then she’d scream…followed by some (mutual) dry heaving and Jersey-accented profanities. At what point do authorities step in and appoint a legal guardian for Ms. Polizzi? It’s obvious that at the end of the night Snooki’s comrades disappear like rats off a sinking ship. Similarly, we had a buddy in College, a serial toilet-clogger, who was a stone-cold lock to pee himself AND pass out with a lit cigarette in his chops. For years he wreaked havoc on our shabby furniture and rugs. Sometimes we didn’t even know he was coming over and in the AM we’d find him on the couch, passed out while covered in urine and Marlboro Light butts, with a husky gal and/or some food he’d dragged out of our fridge. A total 5 alarm disaster. Thus, steering him to someone else’s apartment once he was ripped turned into an art form: “Oh you’ll probably want to crash at Jake’s because he’s got tons of Tostino’s pizzas…no, no, no, you want to head over to Vince’s place because he’ll let you smoke in there,” etc. From now on should handling an intoxicated sasquatch be called “pulling a Snooki”?

3. What would you add to this awesome list of the worst of 2010? Here’s a short list of what I hated about 2010:

Every Facebook post about promotions/purchases/vacations/kids; Greg Giraldo’s death; the return of Dan Coats; Duke winning it all in my own goddamned backyard; Iraq; Legends & Leaders; Sarah Palin’s book deal; seeing anorexic girls on the treadmill while ads for Hydroxycut & gastric bypass surgery played on the Gym’s TVs; England’s world cup letdown; health insurance subsidies masquerading as “reform”; Mormons; Afghanistan; the McRib; predatory debt “counseling” services; Ke$ha (the spelling, the person and the music); rendition; the penises of Greg Oden and Bret Favre; the “Petreaus strategy”; Every political ad from the 2010 midterms; the reaction to “The Decision”; record of 45M living in poverty; the token, patronizing Ray Sherman interviews; tax cuts for billionaires; Twilight; John Boehner’s tears,  the martyrdom of Conan O’Brien; drone strikes; Decision Points; spineless Democrats; dickhead Republicans; Hollywood’s reliance on sequels; Texas; Around the Horn, the continued relevance of “the Maverick” John McCain; Perez Hilton’s career; Kobe “that’s my thing” Bryant winning another title; NFL pregame shows; and finally…drumrollllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll…(okay, I’m exhausted)…I hated myself for doing nothing about any of the above save for rambling like an im-potent bastard on this website. Suck it 2010!

Finally, thoughts on last night’s Sugar Bowl:

1. Holy freaking god, why oh why did it have to be this close?! You could just feel Arkansas clawing back into the game with their grubby, fiendish (racist) little hands. Buckeye fans could see it coming from a mile away: (1) Tressel gets a comfortable lead and decides to run out the clock (any lead of 7+ points with less than 3 quarters to play); and (2) a succession of running plays seemingly designed for three-and-outs. Also, watching the Bucks cling to a lead while playing our 3rd string safeties against Ryan Mallett was kind of like watching Grandma pull her car onto a busy freeway: a mixture of paralysis,  horror and booze. And I wish there was a stat to compare the success of OSU’s 2:00 offense (and defending against same). My theory is that no one squanders more scoring opportunities (and gives up more cheap points) than Ohio State. We saw it again last night when OSU inexplicably went into a prevent defense that allowed Arkansas to advance down the field and kick a field goal in about 9 seconds.

2. I honestly can’t remember the last time Ohio State had a dominant offensive line. Last night things took a turn for the worse when Arkansas realized that right tackle J.B. Shugarts couldn’t pass block a mannequin. As I mentioned on twitter, either he was injured, shaving points or simply giving the worst performance by an offensive lineman since Bama’s Andre Smith jiggled his way down the combine’s 40 yard dash. It made me think of Bill Parcells’ famous quote about his HS coaching yelling “Parcells, I wish you were a piece of shit out there so at least people would slip on you once in a while!” In layman’s terms, when you’re being (unfavorably) compared to a piece of stool it means you didn’t earn a winning grade.

3. I hope the infamously classy OSU fans finally give Pryor a break. He’s apologized profusely for breaking the stupid NCAA bylaws and became the first Buckeye QB in history to beat an SEC team. Not many handle the spotlight all that well, particularly when they’re 20. Art Schichlter loved the gaming action. Steve Belisari liked the sauce. Troy Smith accepted “donations” from boosters. Kirk Herbstriet suffers from tanorexia. Craig Krenzel had a weak arm (okay, not exactly a crime but infuriating nonetheless). If Twitter and Youtube had been around when I was in college then you’d hear variations of: “hey, did you hear about Snooki pulling an Andy Nill the other night?”

4. I have to say something about Jim Tressel’s wardrobe.

Really, transition lenses? Really?

Forget about all the handwringing over Pryor & Co’s sale of personal items in violation of NCAA bylaws. By far the biggest embarrassment to OSU faculty and alumni is Tressel’s insistence on dressing like an Eastern European tourist competing in a poker tournament. It’s a classic case of how winning cures all. I guarantee you a few losses to Michigan would raise calls for Tressel to stop dressing like a vision-impaired librarian.

5. Cameron Heyward should have won the game’s MVP honors. He was a junk yard dog, flying all over the field and netting 3.5 tackles for loss. Arkansas had no answer for Heyward, he was the anti-Shugarts. The D line as a unit played extremely well. Nathan Williams is an underrated player and I’m not sure how we’re going to replace Larrimore at nose tackle. Good to see my Merrillville neighbor get a couple sacks in his last game as a Buckeye.

6. Seeing the Bucks prevail still didn’t make up for having to watch all those shitty Dean Winters All-State commercials. F— you All-State! F— you and your awful commercials, I hope you go bankrupt!

7. Just ponder for a moment how exciting it would be if there was a playoff system in place and the Bucks were set to play Oklahoma in the Semifinals? Holy freaking god, the mattresses in Columbus would be running for their lives! There wouldn’t be enough pepper spray in the whole world to restrain the Buckeye hordes! But alas, the NCAA always puts the student-athlete first…

[UPDATE]

8. Matt Taibbi’s mailbag is worth a read, particularly the line about sportswriting.

[UPDATED AGAIN]

9. Check out this informative post about how the Department of Defense’s budget request of $515.4B (more than the rest of the world, combined)  is actually less than half of what we really spend. And here’s a good (albeit 2 year-old) post by Chalmers Johnson explaining how (and why) the government keeps the true number hidden through a secret, ever-expanding and unaccountable network of agencies and sub-committees. You know all that talk about concern for the deficit? While the middle class is told to gird for austerity and a reduction in social welfare programs, the Pentagon is the equivalent of this lady. When the remaining members of the Greatest Generation are living in U-STORITs and eating cat food, I’m sure they’ll take comfort knowing we’re building bombers that would totally destroy (non-existent) Soviet planes!

"Did I ever tell you about riding a zeppelin with Amos Alonzo Stagg?"

10. So Michigan finally sacked Rich Rodgriguez. I don’t have any particular insight into why Rodriguez fared so poorly at Michigan. He seemed to do awfully well in Mining Country. Yeah, I know his defense sucked. But maybe he really wasn’t the right fit. Or maybe he just didn’t get the right mix of breaks on the field/recruiting trail. Things in Columbus would have looked a whole lot different if Maurice Clarett and Chris Gamble had signed elsewhere. Then again, Rodriguez seems like the kind of guy who kicks dogs and yells at grad assistants (and vice versa) so I’m not exactly shedding any tears.

This has not been a good week for Michigan football. A blowout loss to Mississippi State…recruits starting to waiver…their coach is fired…and then their arch-rival Buckeyes win the Sugar Bowl. Last night’s game must have been particularly galling since Ryan Mallett spent his freshman year at Michigan, as did Ohio State’s best lineman (Justin Boren). But you know who must be smiling sneering? Old Lloyd “gynecomastia” Carr. No one like seeing their replacement succeed, especially a pruned-up old sourpuss like Carr. As a Buckeye fan, I’m actually hoping that Michigan hires Jim Harbaugh. I think an improved Michigan team will indirectly help the Bucks because it will force Tressel to modernize his offense (e.g., employ tight ends, throw forward passes, etc.). Right now Ohio State is kind of like the family member at Thanksgiving who can mail it in because there’s an even bigger dickhead/blacksheep sibling who takes all the heat. He can get away with scoring 17 points a game and still beat 90% of the B10. So we need a rival who’ll raise the level of play, just like my new brother-in-law guilted me into shaving and not getting all drunk and stuff over the Holidays.

Tags:, , , , , , ,
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

Confederacy 4 – Big Ten – 0

January 4, 2011

[UPDATED]

1. Happy New Year! Any good resolutions out there among Indy Agenda Nation? Well I have one. First, a bit of background. You know how when you’re on a long road trip and you have to pee so badly that your eyes are bloodshot and you’re afraid of permanent genital damage but you don’t want to stop so you just stuff a few Wendy’s napkins in your pants and try to pee a tablespoon or two but that doesn’t cut it and you have to stop anyway and everyone else in the car is all grossed out? [Um, hypothetically speaking] Well that’s what’s wrong with this blog.  In 2011 I’m going to implement the latest technology: video uploads, photoshops, sound boards and any other technical mumblyjumbly I learn at the local Apple store while pretending to be shopping for a Mac. So from now on when you’re peeing, driving or eating at Wendy’s, I want you to imagine that I’m sitting right there with you, arm-in-arm, committed to making this the best blog the world has ever seen (or even imagined).  No more half measures (or napkins) in 2011!

Hacksaw Jim Duggan hates this website's bush-league technology. And the Iron Sheikh.

2. I don’t mean to get all Malcolm Gladwell on you, but it’s amazing how fortunes can change in the blink of an eye. Think back to last year’s NFC Championship game between the Saints and Vikings. Favre, coming off a brilliant season, was about to lead the long-suffering Vikings franchise to the Super Bowl and permanently entrench himself in football lore. With the game tied and the clock dwindling, the Vikings were in field goal range when Favre made a boneheaded throw that was picked off at the Saints’ 22 yard line. Fast forward another 10 months where he’s completed an ignominious, injury-riddled, scandal-plagued season that couldn’t end fast enough (literally, as he threw in the towel before the final (meaningless) game). As a parting gift he’s also being sued for allegedly harassing two massage therapists. [By the way, if the lawsuit allegations are true it means that if you received a text from the Old Gunslinger in 2008, there's a 100% chance it was an aggressive sexual entreaty]. He went from hero to goat to sexual-predator-goat  in less than a year. Back to the ’10 Championship game, if before throwing the infamous pick Favre had merely thron the ball away or fallen down, the Vikes probably would have kicked a field goal and won the game…sending Minnesota to the Super Bowl…and Johnny Wranglers probably retires on a storybook ending, joining George Foreman and Shannon Tweed as people who prove to be physically useful after the age of 40. I’m guessing Favre has mentally rehashed these incidents a few times while his wife adds his saga to the paperback edition of this book and interviews divorce attorneys. So whether you’re an aging quarterback with the sexual drive of a bus full of spider monkeys, or merely some schlub working in a cubicle, the smallest things can determine success or failure. So it is with a tiny shred of optimism that I share news that a reputable manager read my sitcom script and wants to discuss options. But the odds are good that I’ll still be sitting here a year from now in an old pair of Wranglers waiting for my George Foreman grill to heat up while watching Shannon Tweed in Celebrity Rehab [or, um, reading a Malcolm Gladwell book].

3. I was going to post the usual roundup of stories documenting the atrocities, but I just don’t have the stamina tonight. Endless war, torture, Wall St fraud, discrimination, sweatshops, factory farms…I haven’t forgotten about them, just want to take a (short blogging break). It’s too damned depressing to write about this stuff every week. Instead, let’s turn to a cheery subject…

4. The Big Ten’s bowl record against the SEC. First, let me say that I really don’t give a rat’s ass how the conference as a whole performs. I only care about Ohio State football and Indiana basketball. I don’t jump around spraying champagne on my family whenever Michigan State and ther dwarf coach advance to the Final 4. Same goes for Wisconsin and their lardass fans in their candystripe overalls. Do you root for, say, any old AFC North team in the playoffs if you’re a Browns fan? Of course not!  So let’s dispense with this balderdash! [I looked up this word earlier after I heard Lou Holtz use it].

Instead, what grinds my gears are the reasons the pundits give for the SEC’s domination and my belief that the B10′s mediocrity allows Tressel to settle for being very good instead of great. Regarding the first beef, if you took a shot every time you heard a pundit mention “SEC speed” you’d be dead within 45 minutes (or if you were John Daly you’d drive to a casino). The notion that players born south of the Mason-Dixon line are faster than their northern counterparts is absurd. NFL rosters are littered with northern players at the skill positions. But what often gets ignored are the SEC’s genuine, built-in advantages. One is the conference’s ability to “oversign“. This recruiting advantage helps offset the injuries, transfers and players who simply don’t develop. Another advantage (at least until next year) is the conference championship games, which permit 2 extra weeks of practices. I’m pretty sure my 2nd child was conceived, born and potty-trained between last year’s Michigan game and the Rose Bowl against Oregon. Plus, their bowl contests are practically bowl games since they’re all located in the South. If we can schedule super bowls in Detroit and Indy, shouldn’t SEC teams occasionally have to play corporate-sponsored bowls  in Cleveland, Detroit and Milwaukee?

To me, however, the biggest disadvantage is coaching. Look at the big names down south: Urban Meyer, Nick Saban, Les Miles, Steve Spurrier, Mark Richt, Bobby Petrino, etc. Now look at the Big Ten: Tressel, Paterno, Ferentz, Bret Bielema, and…(still thinking)…nope, that’s it. Are any of these B10 guys considered play-calling gurus? Have you ever heard of an NFL team trying to poach one of them? Of course not. And while Paterno is pretty much just a figurehead at this point, I’m not entirely sold on Ferentz or Bielema since they never play any good nonconference opponents. Are the most innovative offenses and defenses found in the Big 10? [Wait, stop laughing]. No, because Tressel & Co know they can beat 90% of their opponents merely by showing up due to vast talent disparities. When you’re Ohio State and you play 2 ranked teams a year, you can get away with playing conservatively. But if, like Arkansas, you have to play 5 ranked teams, you have to put some points on the board. You have to take risks. SEC games are often shootouts because they know it’s virtually impossible to consistently hold opponents to 17 points a game. Ohio State gave up 31 points to Wisconsin (7 on a KO return) and the fans reacted like it was the biggest defensive letdown since the Maginot Line collapsed. Auburn, meanwhile, gave up scores of 27 (2x), 31 (2x), 34 and 43 this season. Was it the big talk in SEC land how Auburn’s defense sucked? No, because they put an emphasis on scoring points. Back to the B10, our offenses are collectively horseshit. In Tressel’s 10 years in Columbus, he’s had two good offensive years (Troy Smith’s junior and senior seasons). The rest of the B10 isn’t much better. Against Florida, former walk-on Matt McGloin threw for 211 yards and five (5!) picks. Against TCU, Scott Tolzien threw for a whopping 159 yards. You’re just not going to win big games with mediocre quarterbacks and predictable offenses (unless it’s the rare season when OSU has a defense staffed entirely with NFL players). So until our schools upgrade their coaching staffs and implement dynamic offenses, we’re going to continue hearing Mark May(onnaise) ramble endlessly about Southern speed and SEC fans and all that other bullshit that makes me want to drive to Gettysburg just to recall a time when we didn’t lose to these Dixie assholes every goddamned year.

5. Check in tomorrow for my Sugar Bowl prediction (hint: it involves me wanting to drink paint thinner).

[UPDATE]

Unfortunately, I’m going to have to go with the score of Arkansas – 34; Bucks – 16. This is based on a (patented) formula derived from factoring: matchups, injuries, motivation, momentum, fanbases and how much the sports gods want to stab me in the back.

Finally, please heed the forum rules that anyone posting a disparaging comment about OSU football is required to also post their social security number.

Tags:, , , ,
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

More Baggage

September 9, 2010

1. Before turning to NCAA and NFL-related Mailbag questions, I wanted to add some more people to my (critically-acclaimed) Russian roulette/death match project: (more…)

Tags:, , , , ,
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

And Hilarity Ensued…

February 26, 2010

Why didn’t any of you bastards tell me about this?!  One of the best youtube videos I’ve seen in a long time.

Tags:, ,
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.